Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Plan B Update

Ok, so last Sunday I went out. I went to the SM Mall of Asia in Pasay, and met Plan B.

All week long, and before this Holiday break, we, Plan B and I, have been thinking about going out…on a date. We have talked about it several times already. Finally, the plans have been put into action.

So we agreed on going out last Sunday, and a certain place and time. I arrived at the venue at around 1pm, earlier actually – I know, it’s not the usual me being prompt and early and shit – than I expected. Leaving the house at 11:30 in the morning and navigating the Metro through the MRT, was faster and easier.

Being quite early, I thought of just “reserving” seats. People were stacking up, and in a way, pressuring me to go away – Yeah, I know I don’t have anyone yet, but what the hell, couldn’t you not reserve seats before you order?! Ugh. So there, waiting…. Waiting. I’ve waited for more than 30 minutes already and no Plan B. Then I panicked.

I was still calm, but I was thinking of the possibility of him ditching me – and that’s really depressing! So I texted Nezza for an alternative and accompany me in my hopefully-not-failed endeavor. Unfortunately, she was doing something – cleaning her room – so I let her go and told her that if ever she is free, go there and see me.

I set a limit for my waiting, which was a maximum of an hour – I think that’s quite just, for I traveled the same time as I’ve waited. Then he texted me, saying that he’s now standing at a place near the meeting place, and he is wearing a light purple shirt. Seeing people go to the Mall is insane – they wear all sorts of stuff, and actually, I was afraid that Leo, yes, Plan B has a name, will go there looking all tacky or all porma, like OA porma. But he didn’t, he went there sporting this laid back moment, with a cute purple shirt, shorts and clogs, Crocs.

His skin was so cute (weird description, I know). It was fair and kind of hairy (He is really hairy). Hahaha! But that’s what it is. His lips were insanely pink, and those matched his puppy-dog eyes that stare very innocently. It was magic. He’s probably one of the cutest guys I know, and actually dated.

The date went on as planned. We ate at McDonald’s for lunch, talked about random personal stuff, and walked through the mall. We didn’t buy anything, aside from a 32 ounce smoothie that we shared. It was so sweet and big, the smoothie, so we ended up finishing the thing after an hour and a half. We went to the bay area and talked some more. I thought then that we are connecting. At that time, there are no more awkward silences and pauses, making the conversation spontaneous and dynamic.

We talked about several stuff when we were at the bay area – bashing people, love, sex, past relationships, being happy, family, school, plans in the future, and more. We sat down beside a huge Christmas tree (a fake one though made of paper, wood panels and glittery stuff – which got stuck on out shirts, both Leo and I). There, we waited for Nezza. They were introduced to one another, and after that, we again, walked through the Mall. Talked again and laughed, then talked again.

It was night time then, as Leo warned me about his curfew (yes, at 20 he has a curfew, and yes at 22, I cannot go out at the tardy hours of the evening). So we hurried and up and went to Burger King for dinner. We shared food for the serving was generous…and enjoyed it. I love how he looks at me, so innocent though very confident.

After the dinner, it was time to say goodbye. It was almost 7 in the evening then, so I had to let him go. If I could, I would want to spend the night together, or have him with me in our house – but both were not possible. He walked us to the terminal and there I hugged him, and bid farewell.

The experience was awesome, and I loved how he reacted to the things that we did and the things that I said. But he reminded me of someone. Passivity in his gestures reminded me of Milk/Plan A. But then again, I do want to move one and date Leo steadily, though not yet permitted at the moment.

The moment I arrived at the house, I looked for Leo. I did want to talk to him right away for a second date. But he was not there. For 2 days, I think, I though he was ignoring me, made me feel sad actually. I texting him, leaving him messages like a mother trying to reach his son/daughter and checking if he/she is alright. But I wanted him to respond in a way that agreed to my feelings – I want him.

After sometime, we talked again. I was relieved like hell. Satisfied. I wanted to have a second date right away, but I have stuff to do, and a family to attend to – same as his case.

So my next step is to keep on communicating with him – chat, text, video calls etc – just try to establish this connection. I like him, and I would want to take it to that level of mutuality.

Love really is a hard thing to work on, especially, when it is not mutual. Happy New Year folks! XOXO

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve Bitterness

I have been less than happy these past few days. I don’t know why. Maybe I do, or I don’t care. Or maybe this is it – I don’t want to accept that I lost it… him, or whatever it was.

I believe that the greatest gift that I could give myself this season is self-acceptance, and indeed, I will try to accept the fact that what we had, or if ever we had something, was just nothing – I just over-reacted, and he was just polite to respond accordingly. Oh, and may I ask, what’s up with these guys being polite? God! I wish they could just be harsh… I don’t handle false hope very well.
Ok… just to settle the score, I am not happy about what is happening now, but in life we have to have a Plan B, whatever it may be, or whoever it maybe. For this case, it’s both a whatever and a whoever.

Whatever. I will just ignore this feeling. I know, again, I’m over-reacting, but that’s all I can do for now. Before I was thinking about finding my own way to Sta. Maria and reach him. But that won’t happen, at least in my mind, not now. I don’t think he is worth all the effort. This season is all about giving, I know, but I think I have given more than what is right. Time, effort, concern and all the things that come along with those were just wasted, I think. I think, Him, being passive, and me, being proactive, has not work out. Although I have told myself and Charlie that yes, I think I may need a neutral force in my life, someone who could keep me on the ground, and make me think about more serious stuff, I can’t help the fact the his attitude over shadows the things we had shared together. I want someone who will speak of his concern of me, and for once, show and tell me that he needs me. I just don’t think he met my expectations, or will he ever do so.

Whoever. Finding a plan B is relatively hard, and thank God, I think I have one. He’s cute also, and in a certain degree, more active than the previous. Whatever shortcomings I found in Plan A, Plan B has given me… more time, more not-myself attention, and the possibility of a long-term friendship, rather than just an immediate need, for “Gosh, I don’t have any friends right now, and since you are more than willing, why not you.”

Verdict. I would still stick to my Plan B’s for several reasons… I want to be not bored this season, and I think these plan Bs will work accordingly. Whatever Plan B is done to make him know my worth, and if ever, make me forget him. Whoever Plan B is to back up the second purpose of the Whatever Plan B. Ugh, I hate it.

Anyway, I have to go back to reality. Food is being served for the foodless. I have to get my share. Oh, and Happy Holidays everybody!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Update for 2009!

Ok. So I guess I was wrong when I personally decided to stop blogging, because I need a place where I could just be honest and be blunt about my thoughts and feelings. Ugh. Hate it.

Anyway, back to blogging, this entry will be done to make you, whoever you are, catch up with my life.

Ok, so my last entries were about my uncertainties about this guy… and the things that came along with it. I was so sad then, and I guess I am too stupid to let things like those happen to me.

For the past nine months of not blogging, so much has happened. Things that I didn’t think would happen, but they did, and I am, at a certain degree, satisfied.

For the months of March and April, I tried my hardest to lift my second probation status. How hard did I try? Hmmmmn, my motivations did not measure up to my actual output, if I may. I did not know, then, that I was dismissed in school, but I got the hunch, and at the same time, the ambition to find work experience for my eventual employment.

This summer, after that Semester, I asked my Mom about possible jobs for the summer. I polished a rough resume, and got the things that I needed to find a job for the time being. So my friend, Ron, and I went to the Barangay Hall to ask for any possible listings for a job. The barangay lead us to the City hall, which eventually leads us to the SSS Main Branch in East Avenue. There, Ron and I found our summer job.

Getting into SSS was easy, though some of the applicants were pulling some weird stuff and using sympathy and family-related reasons to get in. I know its kinda “Wowowee”, I guess they wanted it that bad to be pulling out pictures and telling stories of how they were close to their family, blah blah blah… Ugh. I swear, I think I would throw up if I did see someone cry over that thing. Ugh. Moving on, the internship required us to wear business clothes so I had to buy, oh, and for the record, I don’t like it, though I know I look good. Hahahaha! LOL!

The Internship was a great help for me, though I think I could’ve done more. I was up at 5 in the morning to prepare myself for the work that involves typing, photocopying and changing sticker dates. I know it’s kinda boring if you think about it, but then again, I got to be used to it. After sometime, I was elected as the leader of the batch, and I headed the committee for the closing program and eventually gave the final speech as a representation of the whole batch. Along the way I met amazing people and one of them is Rain. I don’t know what happened, but I was almost in love with him for sometime. Good thing we remained good friends.

The after that summer, June came, along with the bad news. I failed two major subjects, all in the reason that I wasn’t attending class for those specific classes. That caused my delayed for another one and a half year. I would not blame anyone for this, because I, of all people, caused this delayed. The delayed forced me to work for another semester, from August until November.

I worked at Sitel in Baguio, for the Tribune account (Chicago Tribune, Hartford Courant etc.). Amusingly, I was one of the top agents that why I was laterally promoted as a floor-walker, also I had phone times for accepting Supervisor-requested calls. It was fun, and it gave me the hope of an earlier promotion both as a Coach, or a Learning Specialist. But, I had to resign eventually, so no promotion for me.
I resigned on November, and got back into school that same month. I never thought I would miss school so much. I miss the thrill of being young, for work makes me old, I mean, feel old. Anyway, I got in but I am still under probation, and I have to pass all my subjects enrolled. I’m kinda worried though that I may not do well, and eventually get kicked out of school. But I will try really hard.

What’s bumming me is a boy. Again. I know, every year, no, every season, there is someone. I call him Milky… like the milk you buy in cartons. Yeah, like that!
Anyway, I met him through orgmates (people who I am with in an organization) last July, and I initially had a crush on him. When I got back from work, I got his number, and we started hanging out. We watched New Moon, Surrogates and Jennifer’s Body together, and I guess we both had fun. He stays in my house until late hours, and we SMS even though we are just beside each other. But you know what I hate most about him? Though there is nothing to hate more, he is passive, like “Kayo po bahala” (It’s up to you), “Ok lang po” (Its ok) passive, and it’s driving me insane. Like, am I the only one going out here? We are going out, and all you can say are those phrases?! Ugh. I am almost, tired… really… almost, but not quite.

I don’t wanna believe that I am in love with him, because I’m not. I think I just like someone beside me everytime, and also I like it that he is looking for me. It’s like I miss this feeling that someone needs you, is looking for you. Oh, and for the last time, I’m not in love, I think. So what about him? I know his passive, and that’s his nature, but it’s kinda putting me off… but I can’t do anything about it. So might as well leave him be or leave him?! I don’t know.

Another thing that puts me off is the fact that he is being “harassed” (exaggerated, I know) by another upper class student. I am in my sixth, and he is in his first year, the stalker of Milky is a fifth year student which is classmates with me in two classes this semester - quite irritating actually. Although I know I have to stay civil, until I don’t know, until I lose my liking for Milky? I don’t know.
I plan to leave Milky alone this January, but I don’t know if I wouldn’t need him. All I know is that I am happy when I am beside him, walking endlessly, aimlessly, directionless.

That’s it I guess, for now. Have an amazing Holiday reader! Take care!

Friday, February 20, 2009


"Its raining... Its pouring...

My love life is boring me to tears...

and we won't waste another tear." ("No more tears" by Barbara Streisand and Donna

That is just one of the songs i play in my head to keep on going. Its an empowering song telling you to just move on and find a better path.

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there? Should I?" (Adele)

This is my contemplation song. Running after so long and feeling in the long run of not gaining anything - but losing yourself. Its sad but it is what we do when we are in love. We want to take risks, but instead of succeeding, we tend to risk our own self.

What's with these songs? I don't know myself. Maybe I just want acoustic-manifestations of what I feel right now. Maybe I want to feel better with the help of these songs.

The rain can make you stop, think and re-think things done in the past. It made me do that...

Stop. The rain will make you stop moving forward to do the things you want to do. The rain is a force, that holds you, and helps you to stay put. I had to stop for I was getting into it too much. Losing myself. Losing my senses. Irrational. Emotional. I want to stop, and i will start to stop now.

Think. The rain made me think. Think about my life right now, what i am going through and what fucked-up situation I am in. I'm in love with Juan, but i don't know if he likes me back, or if it is possible. It makes me sad to think that that future is imaginary and blurry. I love him, but the rain made me think. I think i need to stop, for myself and for him also.

Re-think. The rain makes you reflect with the things you said and did. I will stop going out with him, why? I don't see anything that will make him love me back. it does not mean that I don't love him anymore. This will show that my love for him is unending, and will not be bound to the fact of us being committed to each other. I love him and I want to be happy.

I think what i need to do is totally different from what i wanted. I want Juan, but I have to set him free. I love him, and I will love him for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Uncertainty: You/Me

I don't know how to act whenever you are with me...

I don't know what to say to you whenever your eyes and mine meet...

I don't know if you like what we are today, or if you care about what we are...

I don't know...


I guess even words don't understand me...