Raining

"Its raining... Its pouring...

My love life is boring me to tears...

and we won't waste another tear." ("No more tears" by Barbara Streisand and Donna
Summer)


That is just one of the songs i play in my head to keep on going. Its an empowering song telling you to just move on and find a better path.


"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there? Should I?" (Adele)


This is my contemplation song. Running after so long and feeling in the long run of not gaining anything - but losing yourself. Its sad but it is what we do when we are in love. We want to take risks, but instead of succeeding, we tend to risk our own self.

What's with these songs? I don't know myself. Maybe I just want acoustic-manifestations of what I feel right now. Maybe I want to feel better with the help of these songs.

The rain can make you stop, think and re-think things done in the past. It made me do that...



Stop. The rain will make you stop moving forward to do the things you want to do. The rain is a force, that holds you, and helps you to stay put. I had to stop for I was getting into it too much. Losing myself. Losing my senses. Irrational. Emotional. I want to stop, and i will start to stop now.

Think. The rain made me think. Think about my life right now, what i am going through and what fucked-up situation I am in. I'm in love with Juan, but i don't know if he likes me back, or if it is possible. It makes me sad to think that that future is imaginary and blurry. I love him, but the rain made me think. I think i need to stop, for myself and for him also.

Re-think. The rain makes you reflect with the things you said and did. I will stop going out with him, why? I don't see anything that will make him love me back. it does not mean that I don't love him anymore. This will show that my love for him is unending, and will not be bound to the fact of us being committed to each other. I love him and I want to be happy.

I think what i need to do is totally different from what i wanted. I want Juan, but I have to set him free. I love him, and I will love him for the rest of my life.

Uncertainty: You/Me

I don't know how to act whenever you are with me...

I don't know what to say to you whenever your eyes and mine meet...

I don't know if you like what we are today, or if you care about what we are...

I don't know...

*sigh

I guess even words don't understand me...

Goodnight.

I Won!!!

Just learned that I won the PhiliCircle Kung Mula sa Puso letter writing contest. I just wish i could share the prize with the right person. Anyway, thats it for me, for now.

*Ciao!

Nobody's Letter

*this letter will be my entry to a UPBaguio Organization's letter writing competition. I will send this to PhiloCircle's Kung Mula sa Puso competition.




Dear Somebody,

It has been one of those days that I feel like we had something, but really, there is nothing. You tell me.

I was on the verge of saying to you, that night of reconciliation, how I feel for you – that I want you in my life. But no, I cannot say it, not in your face, not when we are together. All I can do is just agree with the things you are saying, and nod, and agree some more, and smile, making you think that I enjoyed all the things you told me, though most of my friends know that I am deeply in love and crazy about you. Honestly.

Looking back thirteen months ago, I thought I was an option – one of yours. I thought wrong. I did not want to talk to you, nor look at you, but I could not do it; we were meant to talk, see each other, and spend time together – that’s what I think.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on – more than anything I have ever imagined, more than what I wanted in life. It was you, those freckles on your nose, your eyes that goes wide every time you are facially reacting, your voice – which sounds great in Spanish (as I have been told by a friend), your theories/thoughts about anything you could possibly think about, and everything you say that makes me want to listen more. I tried to listen, and I am still listening.

I cannot put a word on what I really feel for you now. Maybe disappointment, for you do not know how I have waited for you to be free, maybe a deep appreciation of what you do, and what you say to me, and maybe regret, that I have enabled myself to be a person deeply immersed into your profundity, something that I don’t even know myself, if I will be able to get (you) out of my life or if I want you out of it.

As much as I don’t want to think that friends is all that we can be, I cant help myself from thinking that you don’t like me at all. You don’t like me to be your significant other, maybe, or you just don’t want to get involved with me in any romantic kind of way. I really, really, wonder why – but I guess its better too get hurt with something you don’t know, than be hurt by the things you are living in.

Despite the times I feel like you don’t know what I feel for you, I learned not to stop being there for you, even though it might put you off or just make you want to walk away. I don’t know how to stop caring for you, looking after you, wanting to see you, talk to you, and be with you, though you feel indifferent and reluctant… I think. I don’t even think I will stop – not ever, not in the near future.

Remember you asked me if I want to be happy with others’ sad, or sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s happiness? I told you I would gladly give up my own for someone else’s. I still feel the same. I can’t put myself first for others, even though it would break me, crush me, and devastate me. I want you to be happy, even though it is not with me. As “somebody” lives for himself, maybe a “nobody” cares for him, loves him, and still wants him by his side. That Nobody is me, and you are my Somebody.

I love you, and I think I will love you for the rest of my life. Though you told me that “death and taxes” are the only things inevitable in life, I would rather see myself die with something that makes me feel alive, rather than not having the opportunity to live. You are my life, and I wish to live long enough to see my life die away.

“Death and taxes… death and taxes”



*Nobody

New Year: Opening Up 2009!

January 1, 2009. 3:47 in the morning.

Well, I never expected that I would be this excited to start the year right away.

It has been a tradition that my friends, Sandra and Jobet, join me in celebrating New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, they have their own jobs now, so, being the only one still trying to get a degree, I struggle with different things compared to the "adult" things they do. Being a tradition, I went to Jobet's place to check if he is there. I texted him an amazing number of texts before I went. He did not answer any, so I guess I had to go there myself.

Lucky me, I came up late and they were all sleeping. I guess Jobet had to rest for he has work in the day time. Poor boy. Lucky me, again, Sandra's house is just the next house after Jobet's. Again, lucky me, again, her Mom told me that she is already asleep, and that she has work early in the morning. Both of them slept on me, friends are really good, they come in two's too. Just kidding, I totally understand.

So, while I was walking home, I saw a familiar person, waving at me. I totally did not know the person (I was not wearing my glasses) until he was physically close. It was Jesse, my High School crush. He immediately hugged me saying the words "Mama Paul!"

I was almost shocked, almost, for he looked different, yet still, handsome. I was stunned by his hug (must be something, or he was just happy to see me - LOL!) and just replied, "Hi Jesse, musta?" It was awkward but I felt good about it. We talked for a while, trying to catch up with each other.

He was drunk, but not wasted. He was almost sane, and valid to talk to. I stayed, though I wanted to come home, for he asked me to. We talked. Talked. Laughed. Smiled. Then he took his stance.

He asked me if i want to get involved with him (you know what I am TALKING ABOUT HERE). I could not answer right away, for I know him, and I know him well. He went away for a while to get something. It took him some time, but I managed to survived.

When Jesse came back, he asked me the same question. I told him we are both guys. He just replied "Eh anu naman? Di ba pwede yun?" (So what? Cannot that happen?) I was like, "Whoa child! You only 18, and I am 21, so what is this?!! Some kinda age-doesn't-matter thing or you just need someone to crack yo ass up?!" I totally did not say that to his face, of course. He is too cute to hear those words from me. All in the head baby, all in the head.

He told me he liked me, my attitude, personality. I replied that I like him too, and I confessed that he was a High School crush of mine. He was flattered, as he laugh and said "Thank you."

I told him I have to go home, for I am tired from all the walking. Anyway, he asked me again, for the last time, "So ano? Paano na?" (So what? How is it going to be?) I told him to meet me at 8pm today just outside his house. Then we will really talk. Clean and sober conversation.

Honestly, I thank God I went out tonight and tried to get my friends out of their houses. If not, it would just be another uninspired New Year's Eve. Who knows, he could be the next boy I would fall head over heels for? Or not.

Happy New Year Everybody! Let us welcome the year with a bang! What a way to start Jesse? LMFAO!!!

2008 Reflections

Hmmmn, this year was not the year for me. For many reasons I will try to enumerate one by one in this blog post.

Anyway, this year marked my 5th year in the University, and is one reason I am not happy (still) with my life right now. This year was not a good academic year for me, for I was almost kicked out of the institution. This was caused by excessive focus on non-academic activities that made me zone out of academic mode. The results were not good - I was on probation last semester and unfortunately (despite my amazing efforts to lift up the punishment) this semester too. This semester is very risky for me for i need to pass my all my subjects (all 18 units of it, including Thesis proposal). Ugh, Lord God Almighty help me!!!

Moving along the reflection blog, I think one of the most memorable things I experienced this year was having a crew, a dance crew that is family to me. DanceWorks (D.W. as I call it)was not an option when i first entered UP Baguio, until my good friend Ed Bellosillo asked me to help her revive the group. I was not hesitant to help her for she took a new stand in choreographing the group. She mixed Jazz and Hip-Hop to come up with a new brand of dance she labels as "Jazz-Funk." The group started small, very small, with only seven members (Dei Antonio, Abby Ajero, Mickey Eva, Julius Masarate, Ochi Bernadas, Ed Bellosillo and Me!), but gained appreciation from the UP Baguio community and from fellow dance organizations (thanks Shadows, UPBDT and Tayaw). Our first performance was done in Tagis-Lakas and followed by invitations to dance at the CCA Mini Concerts and the annual Pasiklaban. For the said occasions, Thea Micu, JR Culaton and Jessica Acuna were welcomed to the family. The group will be opening its doors for new members next June. I loved that these people became part of something more than just an organization, for they are real and down-to-earth honest, and I, myself is honored to be part of a family that is growing. I love D.W.!(check this link for our performance video http://pavl.multiply.com/video/item/33/DanceWorks_Tagis_Lakas_2008)

Another thing that I am thankful for are my friends, the S&B (Single and Bitter). The barkada originated in Baguio, during our freshman year in 2004. Suprisingly, despite differences, and present geographical separation, the barkada continues to be one of the best things that happened to me. I remember this year, Ria Manuel, one of my ka-barkadas graduated this summer and has gone to Riyadh to find work. I was sad indeed that she left but that woke me up, telling me that life does not have to be stuck, move on and still live for yourself, for your family and for your friends. Although sometimes, the barkada gets into weird arguments (about someone's picture *wink), we still find ways to humble ourselves and forgive, something that is not common to all, and which I am glad to share with my life partners. I thank them for keeping me strong and undeniably happy. They say your friends will tell you who you are, and i could not agree more. I am S&B and S&B is my life. Cheers to the life-long friendship!

Lastly, i thank my family for being always there for me. I really do not know why i am studying, or even try to study. Then i figure "i have my family, they are counting on me." For this reason, i am still trying to finish my under graduate studies and trying to make them proud. I do not know any mom and dad that has displayed an amazing amount of patience as mine did. I am a stubborn kid who does not want to do house chores, but they understood, and as for my part, i tried to change that, and somehow I did. I love my parents and my brothers, and i could not ask for a better family.

So whats in store for me in the year 2009? I do not know. But i will try to out-do myself next year and I will graduate. So there goes my words again. God bless me and this whole country and the world!!! Happy New Year!!!

This is the part where i say STOP!

I really did not get it…

My dilemma involves me getting involved (at least I know I am) with several guys. It’s just that I think the guy and I are into something, and then suddenly, I’m all alone.

I guess one of them was right – “I think you’re just masking… I think you’re emo when you’re alone…” One thing, the concept of Emo is really vague to me, what is it? Another thing, I don’t think I’m that sad to be classified as such…. Weird, actually.

Since then, when I realized I like guys, I always ASSUMEd. Assumptions are not really bad, I think. The part that really gets me is when I get so caught up within the moment that I forget that I am drowning in my own assumptions. It’s crazy, and stupid, and unhealthy.

This semester, the second for this school year, guys were inevitable and irresistible. I got close with my crush, but I guess things were too slow making me shift to other guys. Honestly, I do not want something skin-deep…carnal. I want something that’s real; I guess I have been playing in the fields far too long.

I am writing this one, not to name the guys I got involved with (or so I think), but to just let myself go with this (emotionally) unhealthy deed.
I would want to think that the things I’m feeling are just driven by the moment…. I don’t want to think of it as the long-term thing. Actually, the thing that I want to change is my easy-attached-self. I super want that out…and I am sooo going to start as soon as I got my bearings on.

How would I do that? I don’t know. I just want things to just fly away.
This is sooo getting boring. I might give this one another try next time. Not in the mood for writing, something that good.

I’ll inform this page when I get to figure myself out. I hate this.

Given Another Chance.

November 3, 2008 22:00. That was the date and the time i left for Baguio.

Usually, sembreaks, the gap between the 1st and the 2nd semester, are the best time to relax and take a breather from the exhausting June to October academic chronology. Also, this is the time to reflect on what has been done during the past semester, thus, it also is a time to prepare yourself to what might be the consequence of your actions during the previous semester.

Uncertainty is always an answer whenever someone, whether it be my parents, friends or colleagues, ask me about school things, and recently, just recently, uncertainty came out of my mouth.

"I don't know" is that inevitable answer, and i think, will be my staple answer my whole life. But i don't want it to be that way.

The past semester was painful for me. I struggled with everything, with money, time and myself. I was completely out of focus, and was thinking of things not related to academic success.
...I stopped attending a class for i was not keeping up with the instructor's requirements
...I was still on my high school academic formula, relying solely on stock knowledge and not reviewing
...I focused more on my non-academic activities, like singing and dancing
...I was always late, if not absent for my 830 class, which i find hard to attend for the class was too early for me
...I stayed up late doing nothing.

Such things could really blow off your chances to stay in a University, the University of the Philippines.

I concluded that i was out of the University because of my "amazing" academic drive and focus. The results were devastating. I received two 5s and 4s and a 3. I thought i blew it. I though i failed myself, my friends and ultimately my family. I found my strength by telling my friends first, for i know they will surely understand my case.

They did, and they supported me all the way.

I went up last monday to finally know the score. I was expecting for a dismissed status, but i found out that i was still on probation. It was definitely a lucky break, for i passed my statistics course and made me live for another semester.

Now, given this chance, what will i do? I dont know yet, but i will try to out-do myself this time. Only two semesters left before i leave UP Baguio. Ill just hang on.