Uncertainty: You/Me

I don't know how to act whenever you are with me...

I don't know what to say to you whenever your eyes and mine meet...

I don't know if you like what we are today, or if you care about what we are...

I don't know...

*sigh

I guess even words don't understand me...

Goodnight.

This is the part where i say STOP!

I really did not get it…

My dilemma involves me getting involved (at least I know I am) with several guys. It’s just that I think the guy and I are into something, and then suddenly, I’m all alone.

I guess one of them was right – “I think you’re just masking… I think you’re emo when you’re alone…” One thing, the concept of Emo is really vague to me, what is it? Another thing, I don’t think I’m that sad to be classified as such…. Weird, actually.

Since then, when I realized I like guys, I always ASSUMEd. Assumptions are not really bad, I think. The part that really gets me is when I get so caught up within the moment that I forget that I am drowning in my own assumptions. It’s crazy, and stupid, and unhealthy.

This semester, the second for this school year, guys were inevitable and irresistible. I got close with my crush, but I guess things were too slow making me shift to other guys. Honestly, I do not want something skin-deep…carnal. I want something that’s real; I guess I have been playing in the fields far too long.

I am writing this one, not to name the guys I got involved with (or so I think), but to just let myself go with this (emotionally) unhealthy deed.
I would want to think that the things I’m feeling are just driven by the moment…. I don’t want to think of it as the long-term thing. Actually, the thing that I want to change is my easy-attached-self. I super want that out…and I am sooo going to start as soon as I got my bearings on.

How would I do that? I don’t know. I just want things to just fly away.
This is sooo getting boring. I might give this one another try next time. Not in the mood for writing, something that good.

I’ll inform this page when I get to figure myself out. I hate this.

Given Another Chance.

November 3, 2008 22:00. That was the date and the time i left for Baguio.

Usually, sembreaks, the gap between the 1st and the 2nd semester, are the best time to relax and take a breather from the exhausting June to October academic chronology. Also, this is the time to reflect on what has been done during the past semester, thus, it also is a time to prepare yourself to what might be the consequence of your actions during the previous semester.

Uncertainty is always an answer whenever someone, whether it be my parents, friends or colleagues, ask me about school things, and recently, just recently, uncertainty came out of my mouth.

"I don't know" is that inevitable answer, and i think, will be my staple answer my whole life. But i don't want it to be that way.

The past semester was painful for me. I struggled with everything, with money, time and myself. I was completely out of focus, and was thinking of things not related to academic success.
...I stopped attending a class for i was not keeping up with the instructor's requirements
...I was still on my high school academic formula, relying solely on stock knowledge and not reviewing
...I focused more on my non-academic activities, like singing and dancing
...I was always late, if not absent for my 830 class, which i find hard to attend for the class was too early for me
...I stayed up late doing nothing.

Such things could really blow off your chances to stay in a University, the University of the Philippines.

I concluded that i was out of the University because of my "amazing" academic drive and focus. The results were devastating. I received two 5s and 4s and a 3. I thought i blew it. I though i failed myself, my friends and ultimately my family. I found my strength by telling my friends first, for i know they will surely understand my case.

They did, and they supported me all the way.

I went up last monday to finally know the score. I was expecting for a dismissed status, but i found out that i was still on probation. It was definitely a lucky break, for i passed my statistics course and made me live for another semester.

Now, given this chance, what will i do? I dont know yet, but i will try to out-do myself this time. Only two semesters left before i leave UP Baguio. Ill just hang on.