Raining

"Its raining... Its pouring...

My love life is boring me to tears...

and we won't waste another tear." ("No more tears" by Barbara Streisand and Donna
Summer)


That is just one of the songs i play in my head to keep on going. Its an empowering song telling you to just move on and find a better path.


"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there? Should I?" (Adele)


This is my contemplation song. Running after so long and feeling in the long run of not gaining anything - but losing yourself. Its sad but it is what we do when we are in love. We want to take risks, but instead of succeeding, we tend to risk our own self.

What's with these songs? I don't know myself. Maybe I just want acoustic-manifestations of what I feel right now. Maybe I want to feel better with the help of these songs.

The rain can make you stop, think and re-think things done in the past. It made me do that...



Stop. The rain will make you stop moving forward to do the things you want to do. The rain is a force, that holds you, and helps you to stay put. I had to stop for I was getting into it too much. Losing myself. Losing my senses. Irrational. Emotional. I want to stop, and i will start to stop now.

Think. The rain made me think. Think about my life right now, what i am going through and what fucked-up situation I am in. I'm in love with Juan, but i don't know if he likes me back, or if it is possible. It makes me sad to think that that future is imaginary and blurry. I love him, but the rain made me think. I think i need to stop, for myself and for him also.

Re-think. The rain makes you reflect with the things you said and did. I will stop going out with him, why? I don't see anything that will make him love me back. it does not mean that I don't love him anymore. This will show that my love for him is unending, and will not be bound to the fact of us being committed to each other. I love him and I want to be happy.

I think what i need to do is totally different from what i wanted. I want Juan, but I have to set him free. I love him, and I will love him for the rest of my life.

I Won!!!

Just learned that I won the PhiliCircle Kung Mula sa Puso letter writing contest. I just wish i could share the prize with the right person. Anyway, thats it for me, for now.

*Ciao!

Nobody's Letter

*this letter will be my entry to a UPBaguio Organization's letter writing competition. I will send this to PhiloCircle's Kung Mula sa Puso competition.




Dear Somebody,

It has been one of those days that I feel like we had something, but really, there is nothing. You tell me.

I was on the verge of saying to you, that night of reconciliation, how I feel for you – that I want you in my life. But no, I cannot say it, not in your face, not when we are together. All I can do is just agree with the things you are saying, and nod, and agree some more, and smile, making you think that I enjoyed all the things you told me, though most of my friends know that I am deeply in love and crazy about you. Honestly.

Looking back thirteen months ago, I thought I was an option – one of yours. I thought wrong. I did not want to talk to you, nor look at you, but I could not do it; we were meant to talk, see each other, and spend time together – that’s what I think.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on – more than anything I have ever imagined, more than what I wanted in life. It was you, those freckles on your nose, your eyes that goes wide every time you are facially reacting, your voice – which sounds great in Spanish (as I have been told by a friend), your theories/thoughts about anything you could possibly think about, and everything you say that makes me want to listen more. I tried to listen, and I am still listening.

I cannot put a word on what I really feel for you now. Maybe disappointment, for you do not know how I have waited for you to be free, maybe a deep appreciation of what you do, and what you say to me, and maybe regret, that I have enabled myself to be a person deeply immersed into your profundity, something that I don’t even know myself, if I will be able to get (you) out of my life or if I want you out of it.

As much as I don’t want to think that friends is all that we can be, I cant help myself from thinking that you don’t like me at all. You don’t like me to be your significant other, maybe, or you just don’t want to get involved with me in any romantic kind of way. I really, really, wonder why – but I guess its better too get hurt with something you don’t know, than be hurt by the things you are living in.

Despite the times I feel like you don’t know what I feel for you, I learned not to stop being there for you, even though it might put you off or just make you want to walk away. I don’t know how to stop caring for you, looking after you, wanting to see you, talk to you, and be with you, though you feel indifferent and reluctant… I think. I don’t even think I will stop – not ever, not in the near future.

Remember you asked me if I want to be happy with others’ sad, or sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s happiness? I told you I would gladly give up my own for someone else’s. I still feel the same. I can’t put myself first for others, even though it would break me, crush me, and devastate me. I want you to be happy, even though it is not with me. As “somebody” lives for himself, maybe a “nobody” cares for him, loves him, and still wants him by his side. That Nobody is me, and you are my Somebody.

I love you, and I think I will love you for the rest of my life. Though you told me that “death and taxes” are the only things inevitable in life, I would rather see myself die with something that makes me feel alive, rather than not having the opportunity to live. You are my life, and I wish to live long enough to see my life die away.

“Death and taxes… death and taxes”



*Nobody

2008 Reflections

Hmmmn, this year was not the year for me. For many reasons I will try to enumerate one by one in this blog post.

Anyway, this year marked my 5th year in the University, and is one reason I am not happy (still) with my life right now. This year was not a good academic year for me, for I was almost kicked out of the institution. This was caused by excessive focus on non-academic activities that made me zone out of academic mode. The results were not good - I was on probation last semester and unfortunately (despite my amazing efforts to lift up the punishment) this semester too. This semester is very risky for me for i need to pass my all my subjects (all 18 units of it, including Thesis proposal). Ugh, Lord God Almighty help me!!!

Moving along the reflection blog, I think one of the most memorable things I experienced this year was having a crew, a dance crew that is family to me. DanceWorks (D.W. as I call it)was not an option when i first entered UP Baguio, until my good friend Ed Bellosillo asked me to help her revive the group. I was not hesitant to help her for she took a new stand in choreographing the group. She mixed Jazz and Hip-Hop to come up with a new brand of dance she labels as "Jazz-Funk." The group started small, very small, with only seven members (Dei Antonio, Abby Ajero, Mickey Eva, Julius Masarate, Ochi Bernadas, Ed Bellosillo and Me!), but gained appreciation from the UP Baguio community and from fellow dance organizations (thanks Shadows, UPBDT and Tayaw). Our first performance was done in Tagis-Lakas and followed by invitations to dance at the CCA Mini Concerts and the annual Pasiklaban. For the said occasions, Thea Micu, JR Culaton and Jessica Acuna were welcomed to the family. The group will be opening its doors for new members next June. I loved that these people became part of something more than just an organization, for they are real and down-to-earth honest, and I, myself is honored to be part of a family that is growing. I love D.W.!(check this link for our performance video http://pavl.multiply.com/video/item/33/DanceWorks_Tagis_Lakas_2008)

Another thing that I am thankful for are my friends, the S&B (Single and Bitter). The barkada originated in Baguio, during our freshman year in 2004. Suprisingly, despite differences, and present geographical separation, the barkada continues to be one of the best things that happened to me. I remember this year, Ria Manuel, one of my ka-barkadas graduated this summer and has gone to Riyadh to find work. I was sad indeed that she left but that woke me up, telling me that life does not have to be stuck, move on and still live for yourself, for your family and for your friends. Although sometimes, the barkada gets into weird arguments (about someone's picture *wink), we still find ways to humble ourselves and forgive, something that is not common to all, and which I am glad to share with my life partners. I thank them for keeping me strong and undeniably happy. They say your friends will tell you who you are, and i could not agree more. I am S&B and S&B is my life. Cheers to the life-long friendship!

Lastly, i thank my family for being always there for me. I really do not know why i am studying, or even try to study. Then i figure "i have my family, they are counting on me." For this reason, i am still trying to finish my under graduate studies and trying to make them proud. I do not know any mom and dad that has displayed an amazing amount of patience as mine did. I am a stubborn kid who does not want to do house chores, but they understood, and as for my part, i tried to change that, and somehow I did. I love my parents and my brothers, and i could not ask for a better family.

So whats in store for me in the year 2009? I do not know. But i will try to out-do myself next year and I will graduate. So there goes my words again. God bless me and this whole country and the world!!! Happy New Year!!!

If She Leaves Me...

This is a re-post of my blog dedicated to Lianne David. It's like my oath of dedication to the friendship we have. I'm glad that she still is my friend and that she cherishes this blog. This blog is a friend-blog, and i think people would be able to relate to this one. I initially posted this blog to my Friendster Blog. If you guys want to see the comments to this blog, this is the url to follow.

http://lipbalmuser.blog.friendster.com/2005/06/if-she-leaves-me/

Len also posted this on her Multiply page (http://lentech.multiply.com/journal/item/122/If_She_Leaves_Me..._by_John_Paul_dela_Rosa) as a tribute to our friendship.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 14th, 2005 in Netopia in SM Baguio. I wrote think because i was afraid to lose my friend. She was a reason i stayed in Baguio, and was glad i did for i grew much much more, i think, than i would here in Manila. The blog means a lot to me, as this is my heart and soul i am pouring out here. I hope you guys enjoy reading this one.

if she leaves me…

all of my life, ive never experienced something like this, with someone who knows me more than my family and myself. its a personal connection that is so exclusive na ngayon ko lang naranasan, at sayo pa.

naaalala mo ba nung iniyakan natin si kuya arnel? dahil graduating na siya at soon he will leave us. grabe yun! crayola to the max ang lolo mo, sakit nga ng eyes ko nun eh. pero you know what? 10 times na luha or even more than that ang iiiyak ko, lalo na pag iniwan mo na ako, ang mga bitter, kaming lahat.

i will miss the times na kaya ko pang matulog sa apartment mo, once a week yun, or even two nights a week, only on weekends. pati ung pangungutang ko sayo dahil late nanaman magpadala ng pera ang family ko. and psuedo-actres-scheme natin na naniwala pati mom ko. lahat yan, and many more pa, ang ma-mimiss ko. kasi i dont think i will survive up baguio without someone like you. ill be lost. kung ako lang talaga, ill follow you wherever you will go. you maybe are the most important gift i had for college, meeting a girl someone as unique, loving and understanding like you is such a thing i wont be able to achieve in, maybe, another lifetime. si joshua? second lang un sayo.

ill miss the things you used to impress and irritate me. just wish na sana if you leave me, us, e maging loyal ka parin sa "friendship" natin, i think were more than that, so much more than that, that we developed an imaginary relationship that you and me are involved.

sana after all these years, you will be still my dispepsia kid and cheek tint freak! paano ba yan, ako na lang mag isa ang suki nila sa selecta ice cream, pero as a tribute ill buy rocky road everytime, para pag kumain ako, e in be-half sayo. love you so much len, just love you so much. so so much i don't want to let you go, forever. (tears, tears)

I love you Len, and you know that! Mwah!!!