Raining

"Its raining... Its pouring...

My love life is boring me to tears...

and we won't waste another tear." ("No more tears" by Barbara Streisand and Donna
Summer)


That is just one of the songs i play in my head to keep on going. Its an empowering song telling you to just move on and find a better path.


"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there? Should I?" (Adele)


This is my contemplation song. Running after so long and feeling in the long run of not gaining anything - but losing yourself. Its sad but it is what we do when we are in love. We want to take risks, but instead of succeeding, we tend to risk our own self.

What's with these songs? I don't know myself. Maybe I just want acoustic-manifestations of what I feel right now. Maybe I want to feel better with the help of these songs.

The rain can make you stop, think and re-think things done in the past. It made me do that...



Stop. The rain will make you stop moving forward to do the things you want to do. The rain is a force, that holds you, and helps you to stay put. I had to stop for I was getting into it too much. Losing myself. Losing my senses. Irrational. Emotional. I want to stop, and i will start to stop now.

Think. The rain made me think. Think about my life right now, what i am going through and what fucked-up situation I am in. I'm in love with Juan, but i don't know if he likes me back, or if it is possible. It makes me sad to think that that future is imaginary and blurry. I love him, but the rain made me think. I think i need to stop, for myself and for him also.

Re-think. The rain makes you reflect with the things you said and did. I will stop going out with him, why? I don't see anything that will make him love me back. it does not mean that I don't love him anymore. This will show that my love for him is unending, and will not be bound to the fact of us being committed to each other. I love him and I want to be happy.

I think what i need to do is totally different from what i wanted. I want Juan, but I have to set him free. I love him, and I will love him for the rest of my life.

Uncertainty: You/Me

I don't know how to act whenever you are with me...

I don't know what to say to you whenever your eyes and mine meet...

I don't know if you like what we are today, or if you care about what we are...

I don't know...

*sigh

I guess even words don't understand me...

Goodnight.

If She Leaves Me...

This is a re-post of my blog dedicated to Lianne David. It's like my oath of dedication to the friendship we have. I'm glad that she still is my friend and that she cherishes this blog. This blog is a friend-blog, and i think people would be able to relate to this one. I initially posted this blog to my Friendster Blog. If you guys want to see the comments to this blog, this is the url to follow.

http://lipbalmuser.blog.friendster.com/2005/06/if-she-leaves-me/

Len also posted this on her Multiply page (http://lentech.multiply.com/journal/item/122/If_She_Leaves_Me..._by_John_Paul_dela_Rosa) as a tribute to our friendship.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 14th, 2005 in Netopia in SM Baguio. I wrote think because i was afraid to lose my friend. She was a reason i stayed in Baguio, and was glad i did for i grew much much more, i think, than i would here in Manila. The blog means a lot to me, as this is my heart and soul i am pouring out here. I hope you guys enjoy reading this one.

if she leaves me…

all of my life, ive never experienced something like this, with someone who knows me more than my family and myself. its a personal connection that is so exclusive na ngayon ko lang naranasan, at sayo pa.

naaalala mo ba nung iniyakan natin si kuya arnel? dahil graduating na siya at soon he will leave us. grabe yun! crayola to the max ang lolo mo, sakit nga ng eyes ko nun eh. pero you know what? 10 times na luha or even more than that ang iiiyak ko, lalo na pag iniwan mo na ako, ang mga bitter, kaming lahat.

i will miss the times na kaya ko pang matulog sa apartment mo, once a week yun, or even two nights a week, only on weekends. pati ung pangungutang ko sayo dahil late nanaman magpadala ng pera ang family ko. and psuedo-actres-scheme natin na naniwala pati mom ko. lahat yan, and many more pa, ang ma-mimiss ko. kasi i dont think i will survive up baguio without someone like you. ill be lost. kung ako lang talaga, ill follow you wherever you will go. you maybe are the most important gift i had for college, meeting a girl someone as unique, loving and understanding like you is such a thing i wont be able to achieve in, maybe, another lifetime. si joshua? second lang un sayo.

ill miss the things you used to impress and irritate me. just wish na sana if you leave me, us, e maging loyal ka parin sa "friendship" natin, i think were more than that, so much more than that, that we developed an imaginary relationship that you and me are involved.

sana after all these years, you will be still my dispepsia kid and cheek tint freak! paano ba yan, ako na lang mag isa ang suki nila sa selecta ice cream, pero as a tribute ill buy rocky road everytime, para pag kumain ako, e in be-half sayo. love you so much len, just love you so much. so so much i don't want to let you go, forever. (tears, tears)

I love you Len, and you know that! Mwah!!!

This is the part where i say STOP!

I really did not get it…

My dilemma involves me getting involved (at least I know I am) with several guys. It’s just that I think the guy and I are into something, and then suddenly, I’m all alone.

I guess one of them was right – “I think you’re just masking… I think you’re emo when you’re alone…” One thing, the concept of Emo is really vague to me, what is it? Another thing, I don’t think I’m that sad to be classified as such…. Weird, actually.

Since then, when I realized I like guys, I always ASSUMEd. Assumptions are not really bad, I think. The part that really gets me is when I get so caught up within the moment that I forget that I am drowning in my own assumptions. It’s crazy, and stupid, and unhealthy.

This semester, the second for this school year, guys were inevitable and irresistible. I got close with my crush, but I guess things were too slow making me shift to other guys. Honestly, I do not want something skin-deep…carnal. I want something that’s real; I guess I have been playing in the fields far too long.

I am writing this one, not to name the guys I got involved with (or so I think), but to just let myself go with this (emotionally) unhealthy deed.
I would want to think that the things I’m feeling are just driven by the moment…. I don’t want to think of it as the long-term thing. Actually, the thing that I want to change is my easy-attached-self. I super want that out…and I am sooo going to start as soon as I got my bearings on.

How would I do that? I don’t know. I just want things to just fly away.
This is sooo getting boring. I might give this one another try next time. Not in the mood for writing, something that good.

I’ll inform this page when I get to figure myself out. I hate this.

Given Another Chance.

November 3, 2008 22:00. That was the date and the time i left for Baguio.

Usually, sembreaks, the gap between the 1st and the 2nd semester, are the best time to relax and take a breather from the exhausting June to October academic chronology. Also, this is the time to reflect on what has been done during the past semester, thus, it also is a time to prepare yourself to what might be the consequence of your actions during the previous semester.

Uncertainty is always an answer whenever someone, whether it be my parents, friends or colleagues, ask me about school things, and recently, just recently, uncertainty came out of my mouth.

"I don't know" is that inevitable answer, and i think, will be my staple answer my whole life. But i don't want it to be that way.

The past semester was painful for me. I struggled with everything, with money, time and myself. I was completely out of focus, and was thinking of things not related to academic success.
...I stopped attending a class for i was not keeping up with the instructor's requirements
...I was still on my high school academic formula, relying solely on stock knowledge and not reviewing
...I focused more on my non-academic activities, like singing and dancing
...I was always late, if not absent for my 830 class, which i find hard to attend for the class was too early for me
...I stayed up late doing nothing.

Such things could really blow off your chances to stay in a University, the University of the Philippines.

I concluded that i was out of the University because of my "amazing" academic drive and focus. The results were devastating. I received two 5s and 4s and a 3. I thought i blew it. I though i failed myself, my friends and ultimately my family. I found my strength by telling my friends first, for i know they will surely understand my case.

They did, and they supported me all the way.

I went up last monday to finally know the score. I was expecting for a dismissed status, but i found out that i was still on probation. It was definitely a lucky break, for i passed my statistics course and made me live for another semester.

Now, given this chance, what will i do? I dont know yet, but i will try to out-do myself this time. Only two semesters left before i leave UP Baguio. Ill just hang on.