Nobody's Letter

*this letter will be my entry to a UPBaguio Organization's letter writing competition. I will send this to PhiloCircle's Kung Mula sa Puso competition.




Dear Somebody,

It has been one of those days that I feel like we had something, but really, there is nothing. You tell me.

I was on the verge of saying to you, that night of reconciliation, how I feel for you – that I want you in my life. But no, I cannot say it, not in your face, not when we are together. All I can do is just agree with the things you are saying, and nod, and agree some more, and smile, making you think that I enjoyed all the things you told me, though most of my friends know that I am deeply in love and crazy about you. Honestly.

Looking back thirteen months ago, I thought I was an option – one of yours. I thought wrong. I did not want to talk to you, nor look at you, but I could not do it; we were meant to talk, see each other, and spend time together – that’s what I think.

You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on – more than anything I have ever imagined, more than what I wanted in life. It was you, those freckles on your nose, your eyes that goes wide every time you are facially reacting, your voice – which sounds great in Spanish (as I have been told by a friend), your theories/thoughts about anything you could possibly think about, and everything you say that makes me want to listen more. I tried to listen, and I am still listening.

I cannot put a word on what I really feel for you now. Maybe disappointment, for you do not know how I have waited for you to be free, maybe a deep appreciation of what you do, and what you say to me, and maybe regret, that I have enabled myself to be a person deeply immersed into your profundity, something that I don’t even know myself, if I will be able to get (you) out of my life or if I want you out of it.

As much as I don’t want to think that friends is all that we can be, I cant help myself from thinking that you don’t like me at all. You don’t like me to be your significant other, maybe, or you just don’t want to get involved with me in any romantic kind of way. I really, really, wonder why – but I guess its better too get hurt with something you don’t know, than be hurt by the things you are living in.

Despite the times I feel like you don’t know what I feel for you, I learned not to stop being there for you, even though it might put you off or just make you want to walk away. I don’t know how to stop caring for you, looking after you, wanting to see you, talk to you, and be with you, though you feel indifferent and reluctant… I think. I don’t even think I will stop – not ever, not in the near future.

Remember you asked me if I want to be happy with others’ sad, or sacrifice my happiness for someone else’s happiness? I told you I would gladly give up my own for someone else’s. I still feel the same. I can’t put myself first for others, even though it would break me, crush me, and devastate me. I want you to be happy, even though it is not with me. As “somebody” lives for himself, maybe a “nobody” cares for him, loves him, and still wants him by his side. That Nobody is me, and you are my Somebody.

I love you, and I think I will love you for the rest of my life. Though you told me that “death and taxes” are the only things inevitable in life, I would rather see myself die with something that makes me feel alive, rather than not having the opportunity to live. You are my life, and I wish to live long enough to see my life die away.

“Death and taxes… death and taxes”



*Nobody